OMG…i made a mistake

the mayhem continues. my para didnt show today. and the teaching fellows were off doing their friday teaching fellow thing. which meant, i couldnt get J to the bathroom, because i couldnt close the door and just stay with him til he got it he had to (mercifully he didnt pee himself, and his teacher from last year whisked him off at lunch). T left the room and ran out no fewer than 3 times, and she is smart enough to do it only when i have my hands full with S, who needs to be in a different setting and/or have a dedicated aide. her games in the bathroom continued (which i got to have a delightful conversation with her mother about). T and J stormed the gate and ran out onto the sidewalk, J was nearly to the corner before i was able to snatch him up. worst 5 minutes of my life since the chairlift incident back at ski school. except, those were kids who could follow directions and listen to me and what happened was absolutely neither my fault nor theirs… anyway. i was running like a lunatic screaming his name, while trying to carry T. and they don’t get it that they almost got flattened by a truck. ahhh!

i was saying that professor walker was wrong about me switchinge (he thought i was fine where i was), but i think i see  now he was right. i dont know how to make a game out of learning A, the number 2 or anything of their other goals. and unless its fun, they arent going to do it. they’re gonna eat crayons and glue, throw things, hit each other, tackle each other, hit me, play games with me in the bathroom (dear god, if my own kids pull this shit with me, no pun intended, i’m going to be unpleased)…

i was able to walk in the first week and make it happen with older kids. i totally knew what to do, even if it wasnt smooth all the time (especially in math, god help me with math). granted, i think i had generally well behaved kids, and i had only 6 and a para. but i was so happy at how it went, so proud of myself, and  i finally felt like a teacher, i even managed a routine. now i feel like a monkey chaser. i almost cried today trying to get S’s show back on without getting hit, kicked, bitten or having my hair pulled. forget that every one else was going nutso without my attention.

i want to cry right now. still. and i sat on the couch for an hour when i got home, vegging out with project runway reruns, then i slept for like 70 minutes. and then i showered and vegged some more. next year is going to be aweful. i know what i need to do, and i hopefully can make it happen, but regaining authority with this particular group of children, i think is going to be near impossible.

the one upside was i invented a new song, it goes like this: “this is J’s chair, J sits here (repeat until child sits). this is J’s chair, J’s sitting here. good job J, he’s sitting in his chair.” This marginally worked. i’m hoping if i keep reinforcing it, sooner or later we’ll just be at this is J’s chair, good job J. sigh. now i have to go pretend to be a sane adult. at least my company for this evening hopefully wont pull my hair or bite me.